The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I texted my wife asking how her day was going and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there’s my answer.
I hurt my shoulder so my husband offered to blow out my hair. If it looks good, he’s going to regret ever offering. Fingers crossed.
Me: how does this email sound? [I read it out loud]Husband: I’d maybe change that part that says–Me: I’ve already sent this. Husband: it’s absolutely perfect.
I’m bored I think I’ll scare my husband and ask him where the drill is
My wife can eat one Reese’s peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so clearly I married a supernatural being.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: Remember when life wasn’t so stressful?Husband: Like 2019?Me: More like 10 years ago10: Hey…you didn’t have kids!!Me: I said what I said
Do that thing I like. Husband gets out of bed and I have it ALL to myself.
Boyfriend: I think I’m getting a coldGirlfriend: Oh no! I’ll get you some soup and hot tea20 years later…Husband: I think I’m getting a coldWife: You just had one
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Netflix provides content warnings like “graphic violence, smoking, foul language” but I’m at a point in life where I need it to say stuff like “marital issues depicted in this film closely reflect your own” or “this movie features your wife’s ‘hall pass’ (Mr. Bean).”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My wife: Should I wear boots or these really cute shoes?Me: It’s cold and there’s lots of snow out there.My wife: Yeah, and?
If you’re wondering what 50 years of marriage looks like: My mom just asked my dad what he was watching and then shushed him and told him he was “talking too much” when he answered her
Good morning to everyone except my husband who smacked me with the pillow while I was asleep because one of my eyelashes came off and was on his pillow and he thought it was a spider
A friend just sent me some knitting needles in the mail and when I open them my husband, the man I married, the person who I thought knew me and was not a monster, said “do you really need more knitting needles? Haven’t you collected them all by now?”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]Me: I have no idea.
My kid was telling me about the new obsession people have with Stanley Cups so I said “that’s toxic flaskulinity” and then my wife called the cops.
My husband is out in the garage looking for something I threw away weeks ago. Do I just leave & start my new life now?
*Husband screams in pain*Wife *Year one of marriage*: what happened?! Are you okay?!Wife *Year 12+*: What did you do this time?
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